Month: July 2019

Unproductive questions we ask in sex toy shops

Your local sex shop is no longer a seedy adult video store with an attendant who is wanking to the latest release, oblivious to the customers’ needs. The shops have evolved to become a physical embodiment of the sex-positive movement – safe spaces where anyone is free to embrace and explore their sexuality in a way that makes them feel comfortable, without pressure, stigma or derision.
On the other hand, the sex shop employees are now equal parts therapist, salesperson, and Samantha from Sex And The City.
Even with all these changes, it appears that some of us are not quite aware that there is some ‘sex toy/stuff shopping etiquette’ to observe. Specifically, there are questions you really shouldn’t ask.
Before we dive into it, a disclaimer: I cannot overstate enough that the employee is not at all judging you. People often fear that sex-toy-slinging professionals are judging the products they’re looking for, the sex they’re having, the questions they’re asking, etc. And it is understandable given that there’s still so much stigma around talking about sex or seeking
pleasure and sharing this with a stranger can feel really vulnerable. But let me say again: no one is judging you!
So, what shouldn’t you ask the attendant?

What’s the most popular toy?
Yes, we get it – you want the toy with the highest rating for happy endings. However, everyone is so different that there can never be a BE ALL END ALL toy that works for all of us. There is no BEST. There is no BETTER.
My friend has never had a vibrator, what do I get her/him?
Refer to the previous section — there’s not one vibrator that’s THE beginner’s vibrator.
Surprising a partner or friend with a vibrator is very nice and we are all for it, but we’re not at all familiar with your partner or friend’s preferences so maybe we could get a little more to go on?

What’s YOUR favorite toy?
Boundaries, people! This is such an invasive question! Just because they work in a sex shop don’t assume they have practically used every product in the shop and have a catered list of their favorites. Maybe they do – but it’s none of your business unless they choose to share that info
with you.

I don’t know what I want, can we browse together?
Must we really take a tour of the shop? We get that you might be nervous and looking around might help you feel more comfortable telling us what you want. But we COULD just be focusing on the section you’re actually interested in. Even just vague information on what you are looking for is more helpful than asking for an entire tour.

My friend said they like this toy, is it good?
Maybe it’s good for them but it will not be good for you. Getting suggestions from friends can feel safe and comfortable and it can totally work out. But think of this shopping experience as an opportunity to find what works for your body, mind, and sexuality.
My partner doesn’t like this thing but I want to get them to try it anyway; do you have any suggestions?
No! Sex should always be consensual and fun for all parties. Don’t enlist out help to bully others.
Let’s make this a lovely sex toy/stuff shopping experience for everyone involved, shall we?

Must we really take a tour of the shop? We get that you might be nervous and looking around might help you feel more comfortable telling us what you want. But we COULD just be focusing on the section you’re actually interested in. Even just vague information on what you are looking for is more helpful than asking for an entire tour.

My friend said they like this toy, is it good?
Maybe it’s good for them but it will not be good for you. Getting suggestions from friends can feel safe and comfortable and it can totally work out. But think of this shopping experience as an opportunity to find what works for your body, mind, and sexuality.

My partner doesn’t like this thing but I want to get them to try it anyway; do you have any suggestions?
No! Sex should always be consensual and fun for all parties. Don’t enlist out help to bully others.
Let’s make this a lovely sex toy/stuff shopping experience for everyone involved, shall we?

Tips for new swingers

If you’re even remotely considering getting into swinging — with your spouse, a significant other, or just that really cool friend with benefits you met on Tinder — here are a few things you should know before you get started.

Club or high-end party

It’s always advisable for first-timers to try to meet another couple in a large social setting for some maybe-possibly-we’re-not-really-sure-yet group sex. Not only do you guarantee your safety, but there are also other people to create a buffer and plenty of condoms (can never have enough of these).

Know thyself

Figure out what you like and what you don’t. Research on the different scenarios you and your partner can encounter. There are some situations you may not be used to, you should give them a try after they present themselves and see where you will reach.

Agree on the rules, but be open to change

Be specific with your partner, “handjobs are okay, but anal isn’t”. Depending on how comfortable either of you gets, be open to change.
That said, don’t assume your partner can read minds. Cannot over-emphasize on the need for constant communication.

Have realistic expectations

Evaluate your partner’s energy, evaluate your potential swingers energy. Things aren’t just guaranteed to happen just because you are at a swingers club/swingers event. Be realistic with how you view going to these events.

Don’t over-imbibe

Imagine spending the whole week fantasizing about a threesome, getting to the point where it’ll actually happen, and then realizing that you drank too much to do anything about it. Either you get a whiskey dick or you risk being a dick.

Yes, you may need a drink or two to get used to the idea of swinging, but don’t sabotage your next invite by getting drunk.

Don’t play chicken

You should be free with your partner in the swing lifestyle event. Don’t try to play mind games where you wait to see how far your partner can go before committing to a scene. Other swingers will easily notice your reservations and quickly exit the scene. Remember, swinging is all about adventure and fun.

Hygiene and personal grooming

It goes without saying, always ensure your privates are well-groomed and clean. Regular intake of yogurt and water will keep your essence fresh, and if you want to taste sweet have a pineapple beforehand. In case you smoke, try to have a mint or gum to avoid the bad smell.

Safeword

Agree with your partner on a signal or word to use should you feel uncomfortable. As you exit a scene, try to do it politely to avoid creating a scene or making the other couple uncomfortable.

Debrief

Imagine a quarterly conference call at the office where your entire team looks at what it’s accomplished, what worked, and what didn’t, do the same with your partner after EVERY time you swing. The conversation will allow you to discuss the experience and figure out if rules need to be changed or added, or if there are different things you’d both like to try next time.

Anal preparation

First, a couple of PSA’s: Anal sex should not be painful. No, enjoying anal sex doesn’t make someone gay. If you have no desire to try anal sex, don’t. Porn is a fantasy not technical training so put off edgier play until you have more experience. Okay, here we go.
The high concentration of nerve endings at the anus makes it an incredibly pleasurable zone.
The anus shares a wall between the prostate (male G-spot) and G-spot for females. Indirect stimulation of this erogenous wall during anal sex leads to more pleasure! Yum!
These tips are for the first-timers who have set aside the stigma and sexual folklore surrounding anal sex. You’re intrigued and have chosen to go forth and explore without fear of any tired taboos.
We’re also here for that friend-of-a-friend who tried anal sex in high school to disastrous results.
Either someone entered too fast, ouch! Or they did not use enough or any lubrication, hello! No, saliva is not a lubricant.

Clean up
This isn’t the spontaneous anal sex you see in porn; reality demands some preparation. Have some clean wipes handy and if you prefer to deep clean, there are two ways – anal douching or enema.
One very important caveat for the deep cleaners: leave time for your body to expel the excess water so it doesn’t come out during your big moment.

Foreplay
Double up on the regular dose of foreplay. Being one or two orgasms deep helps you relax and loosen up, which in turn helps your rear end to loosen up, thus lessening the likelihood of a difficult entry.

Lube, lube, lube..
Say it with me: More lube, better anal sex. More lube, better anal sex. While the vagina self-lubricates, the anus does not. Avoid oil lubricants, too much clean up. Stick to water-based or silicon-based. Note, silicon-based will last longer and will not dry up as fast. Alternatively, use lube you’re already familiar with and enjoy.

Positions, please
This is all about control – who is directing the play here. Girl-on-top allows you to control speed and depth of penetration; which is extremely important, especially for backdoor newbies.
On the other hand, doggie-style allows your partner easy entry but puts him in full control, which might not necessarily be the best for your first time. Spooning will give you both shared control of your movements and adds an extra touch of intimacy, which may help you relax as well.

No pressure
Easy does it! If you are not ready for a penis or a dildo to enter, begin with a finger. Get comfortable. Relax your muscles as much as possible. Let your butt sex-phobia go! If you are freaking out and about to go into panic mode – STOP. Remember, you are doing this for your own pleasure. Sex should be fun for all parties involved.

No, you’re not pooping
Initially, it feels like you want to poop, but you are not. Over time this feeling fades. Again, the trick is to relax, relax, relax.

Don’t double-dip
Bacteria from the anus can be very harmful to the vagina. Learn to say no to ass-to-vagina sex, unless you’re using a condom that you can change.

Farting
Sex is messy and sometimes air will get trapped. If this happens, you may experience the joy of butt farts.
If you despise it, hate it, feel disgusted – don’t do it! Despite anus being an erogenous zone, it is not for everyone!

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